Friday, January 16, 2009

up up and away...


thousands has moved to
please take note, and keep up with the nonsense.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

When birds attack

Pilot does a really good job not letting anyone die when birds stuff up the engines of an enormous man-made winged beastie

Brendan McDermid/Reuters

Re: China

ok sure I'll go to china just as soon as I pay next month's r..e...


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Everybody Move to China

srsly. do. it. All I keep hearing is that the economy sucks in America. Why don't you all come here? Let's hang out! China owns America's foreign debt. Come over here and help get it back.

That said, I'm looking for an intern. It's an unpaid position, but you'll get really good free food and drinks at least a few times a week (and the rest of the food is cheap). You can sleep on the couch. I promised Hayk hugs. You can all have hugs (unlike interest rates and mortgage stuff that I don't understand, a surplus of hugs does not devalue the hug economy).

  • Understands the word Internet (see also: tubes, interweb, etc.)
  • Can write
  • Can walk
Multitasking not required, but if you can walk and chew gum at the same time, then you're in.

Other helpful skillz (not required):

  • Internet skillz
  • Language skills
  • Adobe CS skillz
  • nunchuck skillz (sorry, I had to do it)

If you apply for this position, then you will be hired. I guarantee plenty of time to also find a "real job" that pays you loads of money while you're an intern. I will also make you sexy business cards that you can use for "networking." When the company hits it big, interns will get to share the bounty (that's how the pirates did it, and that's how we're doing it).

Note that the position is only unpaid because no one is making money on this project yet. So, technically, you won't be an intern so much as a founding partner.

Do you know how much the founding partners of Google are worth?
Neither do I. But I'm sure it's a lot.

Also note: creative people are in high demand here. Leon Leon Leon could make money money money djing in clubs. Look, Orion! could go on tour. There is freelance writing and photography work galore. Graphic design? You betcha. And what's more: when all else fails, you can make a FORUNE teaching English - the easiest job in the world.

All this for the low low price of one plane ticket to China. There are even direct flights from New York. And there's a crazy time difference, so you get to travel to the future (true story: when I post something on facebook, it says that I did it "tomorrow").

Beardsley: there are French people here too. You could even get a job speaking French all day. It's practically Paris, except with fewer berets and baguettes.

Howe: Every great writer did his finest work in exile. Think Joyce, Hemingway, Forster... you know, ALL of them.

Zam: music.

HayK: Art. Artists. Cheap art supplies. umm... other stuff.

Wool: ditto. Also, like I said, plenty of opportunities to be a photographer.

Ricky: More opportunities to be witty on the Internet and less snow to get you down when you're driving.

Everyone else: this post is getting too long. Move to Beijing for a while! It'll be fun!

Best blog post ever

Thanks to Reed @ for the tip.

I still haven't listened to this album - I'm waiting for the right time/context, because I want it to be special. No lol. Sincerely.

Undies in bundle

Do you ever find yourself wishing someone would say something, because your thoughts have rested on it from time to time, but you don't have the willingness to say it because you don't fully believe what you have to say? That's what blogs and free speech and secret blogging names that could never be traced to your email address and actual identity are for!

You know what really ticks me off? When people use the word "heteronormative" as if it's the next worse thing to the holocaust. Of course we live in a heteronormative world. Human beings are heterosexual. Also, human beings are pretty much the same size, generally try to survive, have five senses, etc. Some people are REALLY tall! Some are named Little. Some people kill themselves, while others make New Year's resolutions not to kill themselves. When you're born with a deviation, you deal with it, right? I'm was born 30% deaf and I wet the bed until I was 13. Boo fucking hoo.

The human mind is beautifully efficient at making good predictions and classifying experiences in useful ways. A deviation from a norm is surprising, is often incorporated into an adjusted norm, but doesn't change the essence of the norm.

Since when is it a person's responsibility to pre-emptively consider every single fucking group of people that could be "offended" before speaking? Does this all stem from a social economy? People will like me better if I am conscientous and sympathetic, and I want people to like me for various self-serving reasons, so I will choose to be conscientous and sympathetic. Or is it related to a higher obligation to not be an asshole or inhibit people's natural born right to equal opportunity? Ow I just bit my tongue, not on purpose.

Being overly conscientous is unproductive. For me. And a lot of people. It's productive for the minority. It's selfish. For me. And a lot of people. It's also selfish for the minority.

What is the worst, is not being able to have this type of conversation for fear of sounding heteronormative. Or worse, a bigot! The worst thing in the world. I guess I was born overly fearful as well. Not conscientous, fearful. Fear can sometimes equal respect? Reverence?

Boo fucking hoo. I do know that if you make something funny, it's less scary. Does making something more funny make it less meaningful?

Zamdrovsky: Passionate and trite. A bigot in disguise. Severely confused, and really unhappy. And a big bitch. Making excuses and shit. Saying things to protect him/her/itself. Cowardly.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

That after-lunch limbo, during which you can't get anything done

May I challenge the assertion, widely held, that intolerance is bad?

As an adult, I encounter conflicts I had until now avoided, because I am beginning to recognize real limits. I have become increasingly aware of my mortality and of the limits of my own mind, and of how these limits affect my willingness to do certain things. Traditionally, religion counteracts this disintegration, allowing defeated souls a strategy and/or mechanism for being productive and feeling happy. In a sense, to have faith is to be intolerant of views that conflict with your belief: I have faith, so in principle I do not not have faith.

Intolerance is necessary to happiness. Religion exists for a reason. What compels me, and many of you, to reject it? Why, when offered a shed full of hammers and vices and anvils and work gloves, would one pound a nail with one's skull? Surely a hammer is just as real as a skull, just as craving truth is just as real as craving happiness.

Someone parse intolerance for me. Distinguish between religious intolerance and, for example, racial or gender-related intolerance. Explain the difference between a tool and a mechanism.

The best thing someone ever told me was, "So all these really smart people deduced all these true things that coincidentally make you very depressed and anxious - now what?"

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Zombies: Not a problem

Last night I had a dream that I was in a gunfight, and amidst the chaos 'Lil Wayne tried to strangle me with his small intestine. I started yelling "shoot for the head! THE HEAD!" as if I were giving a lesson in zombie killing.

Question: Were a zombie attack really to occur in this day and age, how long do you think it would last until contained/stopped?

We all know that, since the beginning of zombie mythos, the only way to stop a zombie from nom-ing on your flesh is to aim a fatal shot, stab, or grenade straight to the brain. Save for some places in Manhattan and Bushwick, the un-dead would also be particularly easy to spot on the street, or, coming up your stairs. It wouldn't take long for somebody with any zombie knowledge whatsoever to devise a plan of action that either ended up in personally killing the zombie, or finding someone that could. I also wouldn't be surprised if in the Regan administration, a code:dead was created in the possibility of such an attack, resulting in an immediate containment and eradication of the un-dead. Though some/many uncontaminated individuals would undoubtedly be suck within the contained area, I'm sure that we would be smart enough to create militias to protect the interior, if they don't already exist. I mean, c'mon, zombies can't even use TOOLS.

So basically, were zombies really to attack, it'd all be over in a week and kids would say a few months later, "man remember when the un-dead rose and we got out of school for like a week? I wish that would happen before my Algebra 2 test tomorrow."

Yeah. We can all rest easy. Zombies: not a problem.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


2009 marks the first year in over 50 that Polaroid instant film isn't around. Here's a video celebrating the SX-70, which came out in 1972. Anyone who's remotely nerdy will find the tech specs explained in here fascinating! FASCINATING!!!

Instant photography was unveiled in 1947, with a presentation made to the Optical Society in New York City. You know what this means? TEH POLAROID WAS COOL BEFORE TEH HIPSTERS.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

it's a crazy life

2 things I've seen while watching the Illinois-Purdue men's basketball game:

a) Quite possibly the ugliest young man ever, with the stretched, pointy face of a witch. He was in the student section wearing the away Purdue jersey.

b) Also in the student section, one especially angry student gives the ref the big, fat finger! Right on ESPN at 7:10 pm! SUCH Decency! America's family values are crumbling, shaken by violent video games, movies and talkies.

Soon we move to Wordpress. Our Reader Ship will most certainly
(deep breath!)
(deeep breath!)
(deeeheeeep breath!)
21..13..8..5..3..2 1 ONE THOUSAND 1 ONE THOUSAND

Thursday, December 25, 2008


In what will certainly be noted as a completely useless expenditure of grant money, scientists in Australia recently proved . . . absolutely nothing.

Well, the did prove that bees on coke act just like people on coke. They dance more absurdly and they like to talk a lot. They also get really excited about doing their work, and insist that everyone else pay attention to them. Luckily, the scientists were watching.

One researcher remarked, "The poor little buggers had to drink cocaine for a week. Then we just stopped it dead and we gave them a learning test." We're pretty sure his implication was that the "little buggers" were "poor" because he gave them a test right after they had been partying. Major soil.

I originally found this item in the same newspaper section that ran stories about lenience for poverty-stricken drug dealers and new government sponsored detox programs. I'm still trying to figure out how getting bees high helps get people clean.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

What in the hell were the 50's even made out of?

....Scotch apparently, and lots of it.

I'm not quite sure that "The Best of Everything" (1959) entirely lives up to its title. Or perhaps it does in an unintentionally (?) cynical way. The pedestrian storyline, speckled with events such as marriages, miscarriages, affairs, and nervous breakdowns is just a glimpse into one woman's very very small world. The best of her everything is supposedly the best of every city girl's everything, and what is that even? Not much more than a 20$ a month salary increase, and a slap on the ass. Oh, and love too. Don't forget love. However even that department is riddled with realistic failures. The educated ambitious women are portrayed as cold hearted and lonely in the permanent positions of weekend mistresses to married men, while their more wide-eyed naive counterparts get bamboozled by no good playboys who use the word "love" like a handkerchief.

But one thing is for sure, have a sip of scotch for everytime they drink in this movie and you'll be completely hammered by the abortion scene (that we all totally saw coming).