Zombies: Not a problem

Last night I had a dream that I was in a gunfight, and amidst the chaos 'Lil Wayne tried to strangle me with his small intestine. I started yelling "shoot for the head! THE HEAD!" as if I were giving a lesson in zombie killing.


Question: Were a zombie attack really to occur in this day and age, how long do you think it would last until contained/stopped?

We all know that, since the beginning of zombie mythos, the only way to stop a zombie from nom-ing on your flesh is to aim a fatal shot, stab, or grenade straight to the brain. Save for some places in Manhattan and Bushwick, the un-dead would also be particularly easy to spot on the street, or, coming up your stairs. It wouldn't take long for somebody with any zombie knowledge whatsoever to devise a plan of action that either ended up in personally killing the zombie, or finding someone that could. I also wouldn't be surprised if in the Regan administration, a code:dead was created in the possibility of such an attack, resulting in an immediate containment and eradication of the un-dead. Though some/many uncontaminated individuals would undoubtedly be suck within the contained area, I'm sure that we would be smart enough to create militias to protect the interior, if they don't already exist. I mean, c'mon, zombies can't even use TOOLS.

So basically, were zombies really to attack, it'd all be over in a week and kids would say a few months later, "man remember when the un-dead rose and we got out of school for like a week? I wish that would happen before my Algebra 2 test tomorrow."

Yeah. We can all rest easy. Zombies: not a problem.

Farewell

2009 marks the first year in over 50 that Polaroid instant film isn't around. Here's a video celebrating the SX-70, which came out in 1972. Anyone who's remotely nerdy will find the tech specs explained in here fascinating! FASCINATING!!!

Instant photography was unveiled in 1947, with a presentation made to the Optical Society in New York City. You know what this means? TEH POLAROID WAS COOL BEFORE TEH HIPSTERS.

it's a crazy life

2 things I've seen while watching the Illinois-Purdue men's basketball game:

a) Quite possibly the ugliest young man ever, with the stretched, pointy face of a witch. He was in the student section wearing the away Purdue jersey.

b) Also in the student section, one especially angry student gives the ref the big, fat finger! Right on ESPN at 7:10 pm! SUCH Decency! America's family values are crumbling, shaken by violent video games, movies and talkies.

Soon we move to Wordpress. Our Reader Ship will most certainly
(deep breath!)
EXSCHPLOOOOOOOOOOADE
(deeep breath!)
FAAAAHHHHHCK
(deeeheeeep breath!)
21..13..8..5..3..2 1 ONE THOUSAND 1 ONE THOUSAND

Buzzing

In what will certainly be noted as a completely useless expenditure of grant money, scientists in Australia recently proved . . . absolutely nothing.

Well, the did prove that bees on coke act just like people on coke. They dance more absurdly and they like to talk a lot. They also get really excited about doing their work, and insist that everyone else pay attention to them. Luckily, the scientists were watching.

One researcher remarked, "The poor little buggers had to drink cocaine for a week. Then we just stopped it dead and we gave them a learning test." We're pretty sure his implication was that the "little buggers" were "poor" because he gave them a test right after they had been partying. Major soil.

I originally found this item in the same newspaper section that ran stories about lenience for poverty-stricken drug dealers and new government sponsored detox programs. I'm still trying to figure out how getting bees high helps get people clean.

What in the hell were the 50's even made out of?

....Scotch apparently, and lots of it.

I'm not quite sure that "The Best of Everything" (1959) entirely lives up to its title. Or perhaps it does in an unintentionally (?) cynical way. The pedestrian storyline, speckled with events such as marriages, miscarriages, affairs, and nervous breakdowns is just a glimpse into one woman's very very small world. The best of her everything is supposedly the best of every city girl's everything, and what is that even? Not much more than a 20$ a month salary increase, and a slap on the ass. Oh, and love too. Don't forget love. However even that department is riddled with realistic failures. The educated ambitious women are portrayed as cold hearted and lonely in the permanent positions of weekend mistresses to married men, while their more wide-eyed naive counterparts get bamboozled by no good playboys who use the word "love" like a handkerchief.

But one thing is for sure, have a sip of scotch for everytime they drink in this movie and you'll be completely hammered by the abortion scene (that we all totally saw coming).

Madison, WI

http://www.madison.com/tct/mad/latest/324601

"Madison has been named the No. 1 place in America for men, according to Men's Health magazine. The magazine also rated Madison seventh in the country for best quality of life for men. Madison was also named the No. 8 place in America for women, according to Women's Health magazine. The city was also ranked ninth for women living the longest life."




Haha who CARES?

Mr. Smith goes to contemplate suicide like a dumb quitter

YO. This piece about "It's a Wonderful Life" by Wendell Jamieson appeared in the NYtimes yesterday.

Lots of people love this movie of course. But I’m convinced it’s for the wrong reasons. Because to me “It’s a Wonderful Life” is anything but a cheery holiday tale. Sitting in that dark public high school classroom, I shuddered as the projector whirred and George Bailey’s life unspooled.

Was this what adulthood promised?

“It’s a Wonderful Life” is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to the grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife.

The beautiful tragedy of the human condition is that we remain hopeful.

Opening the Can

From Madison's (liberal rag) The Capital Times:

"In April, Kevin Diaz, 20, earned himself a trip back to jail after he and two friends pulled up alongside a man who was taking a bike ride on Madison's east side. Diaz leaned out of a back window of the sport utility vehicle and began hitting the man on the bicycle with a 32-inch ice scraper, authorities say.When the man on the bicycle asked him why, Diaz said,'I just got out of jail. I'm trying to have fun and whoop some ass.' Diaz is back in jail on a probation hold."

tv used to be awesome

Help!

Okay, here's a new use for a blog:

I need some help from a New Yorker with a camera, and I know that there are a few of you who write for or read this blog.

If you happen to find yourself on 5th Ave this week, in the area of high-end 5th Ave shopping and holding a camera, could you take a few pictures and send them to me at the highest resolution possible. Seriously, I only need like 3 or 4 shots.

You will find yourself published in China and definitely with a photo credit. And I promise to buy you like 10 drinks when I see you in New York (100 drinks if I see you in Beijing).

Please help if you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!)

Variety Amateur Hour

Like I was tellin' Ricky Saturday,

Salons: people with bad haircuts giving people bad haircuts.

Also, has any guy ever gotten a good haircut? I don't think that has ever happened.

How much would you have to pay an NFL official to celebrate along with that team that just scored the touchdown?

Beyonce is the hottest woman ever and the Single Ladies video is conclusive evidence.

I think I tried sometime last year to get people all worked up about Fishers. Consider this the Fisher revival.
Facts about Fishers

Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: Carnivora
Family: Mustelidae
Genus: Martes
Species: Martes pennanti
Makes noises like: the squeal of a baby placed naked on its back on a cold rock with a pipin' hot BBQ skewer shoved in its foot.
Its teeth are so sharp that: it can enter your house by chewing through your foundation.

Milwaukee is a segregated city. The anecdotes and statistics in this article are difficult to stomach, but I suppose it would be naiive of me to be surprised. Neighborhoods there are homogeneous. I experienced an instance of this when I went to an art show on the South side in a Latino area. We saw some interactive video installations done by UW-Milwaukee art students, and there were some inspired projects. The art department has some nice display areas. This one was the lobby of an apartment building with white plaster and pale limestone walls. Anyway, we left the show and wandered the neighborhood in search of a tavern. We stopped to spend a few minutes basking in stony-white, twice reflected light - once off of the moon, which was full, and then off an old limestone church. Unadulterated light. Don't-make-them-like-that-anymore churches abound in Milwaukee. A tavern's red neon lights were barely visible two blocks down a sidestreet. It looked like a brothel. And we expected to be the only three white dudes there. Turns out we were the only three white dudes there, but there wasn't a hostile crowd giving us the eye: there wasn't a crowd. There were three 45-50 year old women and an older male bartender, who was Colombian. He nursed from an enormous mug aggressively. On two non-plasma roundscreen TVs, numerous scantily clad Latina vixens gyrated. There was a small wood floor for dancing, and two of the women would dance drunkenly while the other sat at the bar and smoked. After a few minutes, the sitter would tap in and a dancer would take a break. There was a disco ball and several sets of primary colored lights adorned the corners of the ceiling. We talked with the bartender, who was hard of hearing (initially we thought he didn't speak English). Apparently he just opened the bar two weeks ago and only keeps it open on Fridays from like 5-11 pm. Hell yeah, just give 'em what they need: them's the glory hours of any week! The bottom line is, this bar is fucking tight and I wish I lived in Milwaukee so I could go there every single Friday. A Miller Lite bottle was $3 though. Kind of weak.

This has been a heartbreaking season for the Green Bay Packers.

I really like this video. I saw it on Sasha Frere-Jones' website. I think this band reminds me of a hybrid Kings of Leon (when they were good) and The Libertines.

EDIT: Whoa I didn't realize this band was a little bit older than I thought. Formed in 1999, albums in '03, '05, '06, '07.

2ND EDIT: I still stand by A.R.E. Weapons - "Fuck What You Like," but either I don't get the irony or their song about Times Square is terrible.

Also, French Horn Rebellion are tight! You gotta watch their videos - the songs themselves don't do the guys justice. They're from Milwaukee but apparently they live in Brooklyn a.k.a. the center of the entire fucking Universe.

WHERE DOES EGGNOG COME FROM?

Little miss Thu Tran is my new favorite person. Ever. Creator of the blog Food Party, cuisine imagineer, and prop designer for Girl Talk's last tour, here is her Holiday Special Episode. Excuse me while I go make myself some gingerbread **bling**.



(STILL HUNGRY!? learn how to make "snow balls" with jack frost [who pisses me off and that's why i don't feel like including him] and learn Thu's secret holiday ingredient in part 2 of this webisode)