Variety Amateur Hour

Like I was tellin' Ricky Saturday,

Salons: people with bad haircuts giving people bad haircuts.

Also, has any guy ever gotten a good haircut? I don't think that has ever happened.

How much would you have to pay an NFL official to celebrate along with that team that just scored the touchdown?

Beyonce is the hottest woman ever and the Single Ladies video is conclusive evidence.

I think I tried sometime last year to get people all worked up about Fishers. Consider this the Fisher revival.
Facts about Fishers

Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: Carnivora
Family: Mustelidae
Genus: Martes
Species: Martes pennanti
Makes noises like: the squeal of a baby placed naked on its back on a cold rock with a pipin' hot BBQ skewer shoved in its foot.
Its teeth are so sharp that: it can enter your house by chewing through your foundation.

Milwaukee is a segregated city. The anecdotes and statistics in this article are difficult to stomach, but I suppose it would be naiive of me to be surprised. Neighborhoods there are homogeneous. I experienced an instance of this when I went to an art show on the South side in a Latino area. We saw some interactive video installations done by UW-Milwaukee art students, and there were some inspired projects. The art department has some nice display areas. This one was the lobby of an apartment building with white plaster and pale limestone walls. Anyway, we left the show and wandered the neighborhood in search of a tavern. We stopped to spend a few minutes basking in stony-white, twice reflected light - once off of the moon, which was full, and then off an old limestone church. Unadulterated light. Don't-make-them-like-that-anymore churches abound in Milwaukee. A tavern's red neon lights were barely visible two blocks down a sidestreet. It looked like a brothel. And we expected to be the only three white dudes there. Turns out we were the only three white dudes there, but there wasn't a hostile crowd giving us the eye: there wasn't a crowd. There were three 45-50 year old women and an older male bartender, who was Colombian. He nursed from an enormous mug aggressively. On two non-plasma roundscreen TVs, numerous scantily clad Latina vixens gyrated. There was a small wood floor for dancing, and two of the women would dance drunkenly while the other sat at the bar and smoked. After a few minutes, the sitter would tap in and a dancer would take a break. There was a disco ball and several sets of primary colored lights adorned the corners of the ceiling. We talked with the bartender, who was hard of hearing (initially we thought he didn't speak English). Apparently he just opened the bar two weeks ago and only keeps it open on Fridays from like 5-11 pm. Hell yeah, just give 'em what they need: them's the glory hours of any week! The bottom line is, this bar is fucking tight and I wish I lived in Milwaukee so I could go there every single Friday. A Miller Lite bottle was $3 though. Kind of weak.

This has been a heartbreaking season for the Green Bay Packers.

I really like this video. I saw it on Sasha Frere-Jones' website. I think this band reminds me of a hybrid Kings of Leon (when they were good) and The Libertines.

EDIT: Whoa I didn't realize this band was a little bit older than I thought. Formed in 1999, albums in '03, '05, '06, '07.

2ND EDIT: I still stand by A.R.E. Weapons - "Fuck What You Like," but either I don't get the irony or their song about Times Square is terrible.

Also, French Horn Rebellion are tight! You gotta watch their videos - the songs themselves don't do the guys justice. They're from Milwaukee but apparently they live in Brooklyn a.k.a. the center of the entire fucking Universe.

Coming up next, it's... HOUSE

All the blood pouring out of my mouth and onto the shower floor was enough to turn the water a disconsertingly dark rusty color. I hadn't noticed a problem until I turned to spit, as I do constantly while I shower, and the spit was a bright undiluted red, but bloodier. I spat again. Same result.

Now my mouth was filling with that metallic tang, and I don't know why I hadn't tasted it sooner, except that maybe shampoo flavor is stronger than blood flavor. I searched my mouth with my tongue, fearing to find a tooth missing. I got panicky when I didn't find such an easy explanation, and tried to remember what happened to patients on House who start spitting up blood from their innards. The rate of flow stayed strong, and I considered whether I was more likely to die from bloodloss, or from whatever horrible thing was causing the hemmorage.

About 10 secs after I first noticed the problem, I finally put my hands to my face and discovered the source of blood was just my goddamn nose. Which had been my first thought, but my nose felt so untroubled in that shower. The warm water was pouring down my face and causing the blood to drop from my mouth and chin instead of from my nose. I had been completely taken in by a normal winter nosebleed, momentarily fearing for my life, because it had happened under slightly different environmental conditions than I was used to. Namely, school desks.

Good Idea!

Here's a customink mock-up of my new product line! Patent pending!!!
GUESS WHAT YOU'RE ALL GETTING FOR XMAS?!?!?!

Open letter to Obama

Dear Obama,

Remember Harry Potter III: The Prisoner of Azkaban? Well, back in the eighties, the Potter family was protected from Voldemort by the fidelius charm. The location of their house was hidden in the soul of their friend Peter Pettigrew. It was physically impossible for Voldemort to find the Potter home, until Peter Pettigrew flip-flopped over to the dark side and told Voldemort the secret. Then Voldemort triumphed!!

Okay, Obama, stay with me on this BOMBSHELL: Osama bin Laden is using a fidelius charm. That's why America can't find his cave-palace! But all you have to do is find his personal Peter Pettigrew, and torture the living shit out of him. Start with Osama's childhood friends, paying special attention to those who can shape-shift into animals of dubious moral character, (such as rats, weasels, sharks, crows, bugs, etc....)

You only have a week, Obama, but you must successfully complete this quest if you'd like my vote in the coming election.

Thrill, baby, thrill,

Ricky

Funny Political Joke

Q: Why hasn't Kurt Vonnegut endorsed Obama for president?




A: Because Kurt's lost touch with reality.

Stale Stand-up Material, Year 2010

* note: I ripped the formatting from this bit in the New Yorker

How're you all doin' tonight!! [raise microphone]
(cheers)

I know you've got troubles... GOD DAMN BANK TROUBLES
(boos)

Yeah, we know we're supposed to budget our income, right?
Not wasting it all on SHOES and CIGARETTES and PANTS
( cheers )

So we put it "INTO SAVINGS"! [air quoting]
What does that mean? WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN?!

Friends, the term "savings" comes from the english word safe
....but shouldn't safe money RELIABLY EXIST.
( laughter )

Haha, but my bank's all "What money? Now?"
Like, he's rustling around behind the counter, looking sad
Saying excuses like "My other friend's still using it."
Haha, WHAT?
( laughter )

Let me see your vault... EMPTY!
EMPTY like my tummy. Twigs for dinner. Shit.
( laughter )

When that vault's empty... people flip out, can you believe it?
They freak! Running to the bank like animals, sobbing
Just like in that movie "It's a Wonderful Life"
..... and it's sequel "the Great Depression".
( polite laughter )

Alright, who here loves politicians & financial institutions?
( boos )

Ha, I'm just joking. It's what I do.

But I do love my country,
and that's why I buy US Treasury bonds [perform Taps on harmonica]
( courageous patriotism )

Dr. Seuss just got served

So it turns out that the guy whose signature is on all our dollar bills is a Dartmouth grad. His name's Hank Paulson, and he's the "Secretary of the Treasury". I emailed him yesterday for an interview (henry.m.paulson.68@alum.dartmouth.org). We chatted this afternoon:

RickyRetardo_08: a/s/l
SpankPaulson_68: ha ha
SpankPaulson_68: how are u today
RickyRetardo_08: Great, thanks! And you?
SpankPaulson_68: oh geez, i'm SWAMPED at work
SpankPaulson_68: seriously tho, i've gotten like 2 hours of sleep
RickyRetardo_08: what, are they making you sign all the newly designed pennies ;)
SpankPaulson_68: haha, no this whole market shit is my department
SpankPaulson_68: so screwed. f u c kkkkkkk
SpankPaulson_68: but what's going on with you?
RickyRetardo_08: oh, i got some green sculpy clay today
RickyRetardo_08: and i'm going to make a little alligator figurine
RickyRetardo_08: while i watch heroes tonight :D
SpankPaulson_68: haha thats awesome
RickyRetardo_08: I know, right? I can make you one too...
SpankPaulson_68: really? yes puh-lease
RickyRetardo_08: sure, I'd just need a little $$ to buy more clay
SpankPaulson_68: no prob, how much
RickyRetardo_08: OH JUST 700 BILLION DOLLARS
RickyRetardo_08: NO STRINGS ATTACHED
SpankPaulson_68: >: (
SpankPaulson_68: fuck you, you have no idea what its like
RickyRetardo_08: ~~~GOTCHA BITCH~~~

How to Chop Firewood ~OR~ Surviving the Energy Crisis ~OR~ DIY Fatal Bloodloss *PART ONE*

First, never pay for wood. Trees are very easy to steal because nobody's yard has those store-gates that beep when you suck at shoplifting. But seriously, trees fall down all the time, and for most people, it's a huge bitch to deal with an enormous fallen tree on your property. They would have to pay someone to take it away, so everybody wins when they "let" you have it for free. The same goes for trees that fall on city property, like the ones between the sidewalk and the street. Your mayor will be like "omg, srsly thnx so much 4 stealin that crappy sugar maple, cuz i h8 makin firewud.... To be honest, I am woefully ignorant as to the chopping process."

Step two: use your chainsaw to cut the tree into manageable 2 ft segments. Each of these segments will be unimaginably heavy. You thought you understood why wood was buoyant, but this experience will challenge that knowledge.

Step three: Get a maul. Axe heads are really sharp and thin, but if you don't split the log on the first try, the head ends up stuck really deep in the wood, and it's scary to yank it back out because you're never quite sure when it'll release. It's kind of like the sword in the stone, but you are *NOT* King Arthur.

A maul, on the other hand, has a really heavy wedge-shaped head with the power to basically explode logs, so you *ARE* just like Merlin . KaZaam!
Next time, I'm going to teach you the basics of my father's chopping method. His technique is only marginally safe, and only if you are also a 270 lb. man with arms like mighty St. Bernards. If you are built more like a young lumpy Orlando Bloom and you have minimal understanding of applied physics, I can guarantee that this method will be CrAzY dangerous!

ANDY'S BOX

There was a kid named Andy in my sixth grade class who had severe ADHD. He couldn't sit still and bothered everybody around him. Our teacher got really fed up and finally came up with a unique punishment/treatment plan.

She cut out the small top and bottom panels of a refrigerator box, so that it was just one 7 ft tall cardboard tube. She'd have Andy sit down in his desk, and then she'd put the box over him, so that he was completely surrounded.

The thinking was that Andy could listen to the lectures through the open top of his pen, but he wouldn't be distracted by seeing the rest of the class. It actually worked (maybe?) for a couple days, and then the insanity started.

At first, we'd just hear minor scuffles coming from the box. Then he started randomly throwing things out of the top of his box, like erasers and pencils and wads of paper. Sometimes he would climb up on top of his desk, so that he could peak out over the top. The teacher would retaliate by banging on his cardboard walls.

He poked a hole through the back of the box with his pencil, so that he had a little spy hole to hold his eye to. Eventually it was big enough for him to stick a wiggling finger through. Hilarious.

But one day he flipped out and what looked like a knife came stabbing through the side of his box. It turned out to be the big pair of scissors from the teacher's desk. She yelled for him to stop, but he kept going until the side panel was perforated enough for him to rip his way out through. He dropped the scissors and tried to take off running down the hall.

Now that the side of his box was hanging open, we could see that he had completely covered the inside of it with horrifying graffiti.

I just beat the shit out of two big stray dogs

There are a ton of dogs in my neighborhood, and they are all adept at escaping from their homes/yards. I think it's great, because catching stray dogs is seriously really fun. You gotta be all nice and soothing, throwing treats at their head from a distance, seducing them with your voice, earning their trust, and then lassoing them.

When I was littler, my mom came home from work to find a random psycho german shepard running around my room. I told her it had just "crept in from outside", but I had actually lured it in with kraft cheese singles.

So this morning, when two huge husky dogs I'd never seen started hanging out in my yard, I was like "Jackpot. It's go time." The owner had been driving around yesterday, asking people to keep an eye out for them, so I knew they were definitely renegade.

One was all black, and the other one was all white. EX:

I ran outside with some dog treats and tried to grab them by their matching pink & purple collars. The white one seemed like a decent fellow, but when I got up close he bit my hand twice and then they both ran away. My hand has a detailed print of his dental records, and it's pretty cool to see how the teeth in his top and bottom jaw line up.

Not being one to pass up excitement, I ran into the house, grabbed a piece of string cheese (bait) and a leash, and started hunting them. It took 45 min of running around through strangers' yards, tracking them by the sound of their jingling collars. I eventually caught up to them in a field, where they turned to make their final stand. A few neighborhood kids showed up to watch the spectacle, but I told them to "stand back, these dogs are dangerous!"

Blackie ignored my existence, like he was autistic or something, so I focused on Whitey again, luring him close with pieces of string cheese. I started prancing on my toes like Muhammad Ali, and this time I was too fast for him when I darted in and grabbed his collar. Once I had the leash on, he mellowed out a bit, and I was able to read the phone number off of his tags. I sent one of the kids to get me a phone, but THEN WHITEY TWISTED HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS COLLAR. That's NOT how collars are supposed to work. And now Whitey was fucking pissed. One of the kids started screaming and ran about 50 yds away.

Had I been wearing any shoes, I would have just started kicking Whitey straight back to hell. But since I didn't want him to bite all my toes off, I pranced away quick.

This whole episode had agitated Blackie, now the only one with a collar, and he started runnin in circles around me. That is when my primal instincts took over and I legit jumped onto Blackie's back, like he was a small pony, and like, used my thighs to squeeze him into submission. I think Whitey is in love with Blackie, because as soon as I had Blackie hostage, Whitey surrendered too.

The kid came back with a phone, so we called the owner to come pick the hell hounds up. He offered me a $20, but I said "no prob".

Pop Quiz, Hotshots

WHO ARE YOU?

A.
My soul is a sore foot!
My body's just a new sock!

B.
Ricky Pukulski

C.
A point of consciousness
6 feet above the ground

D.
Not a fucking poet, that's for sure

RESULTS (POLLS ARE CLOSED):

A = 30 %
B = nobody %
C = 20 %
D = 50 %

unDEAD unDEAD unDEAD.... undead.

When Senator McCain or Governor Palin talk on the TV, I turn the volume way low and just play Bauhaus over them.

THE BATS HAVE LEFT THE BELL TOWER

THE VICTIMS HAVE BEEN BLED
RED VELVET LINES THE BLACK BOX
BELA LUGOSI'S DEAD
UNDEAD UNDEAD UNDEAD