I just beat the shit out of two big stray dogs

There are a ton of dogs in my neighborhood, and they are all adept at escaping from their homes/yards. I think it's great, because catching stray dogs is seriously really fun. You gotta be all nice and soothing, throwing treats at their head from a distance, seducing them with your voice, earning their trust, and then lassoing them.

When I was littler, my mom came home from work to find a random psycho german shepard running around my room. I told her it had just "crept in from outside", but I had actually lured it in with kraft cheese singles.

So this morning, when two huge husky dogs I'd never seen started hanging out in my yard, I was like "Jackpot. It's go time." The owner had been driving around yesterday, asking people to keep an eye out for them, so I knew they were definitely renegade.

One was all black, and the other one was all white. EX:

I ran outside with some dog treats and tried to grab them by their matching pink & purple collars. The white one seemed like a decent fellow, but when I got up close he bit my hand twice and then they both ran away. My hand has a detailed print of his dental records, and it's pretty cool to see how the teeth in his top and bottom jaw line up.

Not being one to pass up excitement, I ran into the house, grabbed a piece of string cheese (bait) and a leash, and started hunting them. It took 45 min of running around through strangers' yards, tracking them by the sound of their jingling collars. I eventually caught up to them in a field, where they turned to make their final stand. A few neighborhood kids showed up to watch the spectacle, but I told them to "stand back, these dogs are dangerous!"

Blackie ignored my existence, like he was autistic or something, so I focused on Whitey again, luring him close with pieces of string cheese. I started prancing on my toes like Muhammad Ali, and this time I was too fast for him when I darted in and grabbed his collar. Once I had the leash on, he mellowed out a bit, and I was able to read the phone number off of his tags. I sent one of the kids to get me a phone, but THEN WHITEY TWISTED HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS COLLAR. That's NOT how collars are supposed to work. And now Whitey was fucking pissed. One of the kids started screaming and ran about 50 yds away.

Had I been wearing any shoes, I would have just started kicking Whitey straight back to hell. But since I didn't want him to bite all my toes off, I pranced away quick.

This whole episode had agitated Blackie, now the only one with a collar, and he started runnin in circles around me. That is when my primal instincts took over and I legit jumped onto Blackie's back, like he was a small pony, and like, used my thighs to squeeze him into submission. I think Whitey is in love with Blackie, because as soon as I had Blackie hostage, Whitey surrendered too.

The kid came back with a phone, so we called the owner to come pick the hell hounds up. He offered me a $20, but I said "no prob".