Monday, October 27, 2008

Open letter to Obama

Dear Obama,

Remember Harry Potter III: The Prisoner of Azkaban? Well, back in the eighties, the Potter family was protected from Voldemort by the fidelius charm. The location of their house was hidden in the soul of their friend Peter Pettigrew. It was physically impossible for Voldemort to find the Potter home, until Peter Pettigrew flip-flopped over to the dark side and told Voldemort the secret. Then Voldemort triumphed!!

Okay, Obama, stay with me on this BOMBSHELL: Osama bin Laden is using a fidelius charm. That's why America can't find his cave-palace! But all you have to do is find his personal Peter Pettigrew, and torture the living shit out of him. Start with Osama's childhood friends, paying special attention to those who can shape-shift into animals of dubious moral character, (such as rats, weasels, sharks, crows, bugs, etc....)

You only have a week, Obama, but you must successfully complete this quest if you'd like my vote in the coming election.

Thrill, baby, thrill,



Anonymous said...

Yeah, and remember when Harry got freaked out about how much he and Voldemort had in common? Like their matching wands, and orphan status, and general potential for greatness?

I bet Obama feels the exact same way about Osama. Their similar names, potential for greatness, height/weight ratio, etc...

Anonymous said...




Anonymous said...

Malfoy said he'd hit me hard with a cruciatus curse if I voted for a mudblood.

Anonymous said...


If he's using the fidelius charm, he doesn't need to be living in friggin cave.

He's chilling in a circus tent on the White House Lawn, blasting The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan on repeat.

Anonymous said...

I'm voting for John McCain because survived teh cruciatus curse when he was unfairly imprisoned in Azkaban! He told me sow in my fireplace where he assumed the likeness of a dawg so my prying roomies wouldn't catch wind of his sneaking around. Poor guy can't lift his arms above his head anymore :~(