Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Little miss Thu Tran is my new favorite person. Ever. Creator of the blog Food Party, cuisine imagineer, and prop designer for Girl Talk's last tour, here is her Holiday Special Episode. Excuse me while I go make myself some gingerbread **bling**.

(STILL HUNGRY!? learn how to make "snow balls" with jack frost [who pisses me off and that's why i don't feel like including him] and learn Thu's secret holiday ingredient in part 2 of this webisode)

whats better than one ninja? two ninjas. whats better than two ninjas? three ninjas. whats better than three ninjas? NOTHING

list of things noted while watching 3 ninjas tonight (its on youtube in full glory!)

- one of the basic traits of a master ninja is the ability to disappear in mid-conversation when the person you're speaking with turns his head or loses focus for just one fwiggin moment just one tiny fwiggin moment. they turn back and you are gone

also, learn to use your environment, i.e. find funny stuff around you to bash your opponents with or about. examples: flower pots, a grand piano, a telephone.

- knives, blades, shurikens, nunchuks, etc. are all ok, but if you even pick up a gun you are so banned from being a ninja. gunkata doesnt count. that being said, evil ninjas carrying ak-47s looks cool as all hells

- this movie has managed to combine backwards caps, vinyl scratching sounds, and ninjas. if only it had dinosaurs

- colt (the moody middle brother) spray paints his mask white to hide in one scene. wtf kid? your grandfather painted that thing as part of your naming ceremony and you just turn it into a crappy mime mask? no wonder no one remembers you

- it seems as all traces of the asian genes have been lost in two generations. besides ninja skills, obv. maybe they wont ever hit puberty?

- i am now spending much time photoshopping something awesome that will be posted above re: backwards hat, vinyl, ninjas, etc. of course this doesn't make sense now because you've already seen it so i assume it came out awesome (also, i managed to get anime porn searching for 'cartoon mountain' on the 3rd page)

- jon turteltaub, the director of 3 ninjas, also directed cool runnings. game over.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Dark Knight

I am curled up in a fuzzy blanket on the couch. I face my HDTV mounted on the wall above my recessed fireplace with the last large log only glowing. I realize that this movie is a ratcheted up version of children's movies that adults can enjoy in parallel. The action is primal; the plot twists are signified. Then one may peel subtleties as one's fingers operate on a block of mica. The sound arrangement leverages silence tremendously. The Joker's games are merciless, intricate. A study of inmates and civilians bidden to choose self-mercy at the expense of the other provokes contemplation. What mercy could be granted? The result is faith. This action movie provoked thought.* Forgive me, I may be too excited, for I'll meditate on anything these days.

The frosting on top was my familiarity with the Loop: downtown Chicago, where the movie was filmed. Spoiler alert: I caught a few minutes of the filming of the scene in which Police Commissioner James Gordon is shot. Rows upon rows of Gotham policemen and policewomen. Actual GPD squad cars. I used the ATM inside the glass US Bank doors that flashed briefly.

Brag, brag. Hopefully I don't get coal in my stocking. Wait, hopefully I don't get OIL. I would rather bet that the guy with the marker from UPS ads wins People's "Sexiest Man Alive" than bet on OIL. LOIL!

*For inflection, see baby from E-TRADE ad say, "You just saw me buy stock."

The New Puppy Cam

When I was 4, I got a box of Trix cereal for Christmas. It was basically the best present ever - a perfect technicolor consumable accessory to the 90's holiday television specials on my family's busted television. After too many tiny little fist fulls of the sugar enriched crud, rainbow crumbs speckled my face and the empty box lay on the floor. It was then that I knew pure joy.

I can never go back to that. Never.

The closest I can get is perhaps ... and a box of honey nut cheerios.
Channels of snowy-screen holiday reruns to flip through (they have commercials too!), and adjustable rabbit ears make me feel a little less dead inside this time of year.

A Morning Story

So today I was rocking out on my headphones (bundled and bustling towards the Broadway 4/5/6 as I opted for a longer walk versus a longer train ride) when a car stopped on the corner of the street I was crossing. A dude jumped out, and I noticed that a big coffee was left sitting on the top of the car. As I've been the douche who's left shit on top of vehicles many a time, I urgently pulled out an ear bud and scampered over to the car in an attempt to save this guy public humiliation, a few bucks (the coffee was a grande starbucks, that's what like $10 right?), and a trip to the car wash. But when I grabbed the cup, I realized that it was actually attached to the car. The driver handed me a $5 starbucks gift card, wished me Happy Holidays, and the guy who had previously jumped out, got back in (to what I then noticed was a zipcar...oh i just noticed i got $75 to zip car too. jeepers).

Basically it was a really warm-hearted marketing ploy that has made it even clearer to myself and the word around me that I might never be a 'real' New Yorker. Psh THX ALOT ZIPCAR.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Turn that mother out

Thanks to The Big Rig for the tip. You out there dude?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

December 6, 2008: Best SNL Ever

I added Kristen Wiig to my interests on  Will we ever see Ricky on SNL?  WRITER?

I'm trying hard as hell to learn Needle in the Hay by Elliott Smith.  It's too bad that song has such suicidal connotations because it's really beautiful.  I really love that song.  I am curious whether anyone recorded the Look, Orion! cover of it.  Look, Orion!  Look,OrionLook,OrionLook,Orion.  Look, Orion!

Christmas is coming up.  Who's delivering my McDonald's Dollar Menu (the entire thing) by 8 a.m.?  Ketchup packets and salt shaker, please.  Coke for the soda.  Coke is the best soda in the world, and anyone who argues otherwise clearly has poor taste.  Are you crazy?  Pepsi?  Its taste is thin and dishonest.  Coca-Cola is a company I can believe in because it has invented the best flavor since BBQ which was naturally occurring.  Neanderthals had BBQ, and it was better than today's BBQ.  Any hipsterthal could tell you that.  But seriously, folk stars, your genre is going the way of ska.  Mix it up a little bit.

Did they only have Keenan and Kel dude play Plaxico Buress because he's the only black dude on the cast?  Is the guy who plays Barack Obama black?  It's difficult to tell.

Seth Meyers fucking sucks.