Remember Harry Potter III: The Prisoner of Azkaban? Well, back in the eighties, the Potter family was protected from Voldemort by the fidelius charm. The location of their house was hidden in the soul of their friend Peter Pettigrew. It was physically impossible for Voldemort to find the Potter home, until Peter Pettigrew flip-flopped over to the dark side and told Voldemort the secret. Then Voldemort triumphed!!
Okay, Obama, stay with me on this BOMBSHELL: Osama bin Laden is using a fidelius charm. That's why America can't find his cave-palace! But all you have to do is find his personal Peter Pettigrew, and torture the living shit out of him. Start with Osama's childhood friends, paying special attention to those who can shape-shift into animals of dubious moral character, (such as rats, weasels, sharks, crows, bugs, etc....)
You only have a week, Obama, but you must successfully complete this quest if you'd like my vote in the coming election.
Thrill, baby, thrill,