whats better than one ninja? two ninjas. whats better than two ninjas? three ninjas. whats better than three ninjas? NOTHING

list of things noted while watching 3 ninjas tonight (its on youtube in full glory!)

- one of the basic traits of a master ninja is the ability to disappear in mid-conversation when the person you're speaking with turns his head or loses focus for just one fwiggin moment just one tiny fwiggin moment. they turn back and you are gone

- also, learn to use your environment, i.e. find funny stuff around you to bash your opponents with or about. examples: flower pots, a grand piano, a telephone.

- knives, blades, shurikens, nunchuks, etc. are all ok, but if you even pick up a gun you are so banned from being a ninja. gunkata doesnt count. that being said, evil ninjas carrying ak-47s looks cool as all hells

- this movie has managed to combine backwards caps, vinyl scratching sounds, and ninjas. if only it had dinosaurs


- colt (the moody middle brother) spray paints his mask white to hide in one scene. wtf kid? your grandfather painted that thing as part of your naming ceremony and you just turn it into a crappy mime mask? no wonder no one remembers you

- it seems as all traces of the asian genes have been lost in two generations. besides ninja skills, obv. maybe they wont ever hit puberty?

- i am now spending much time photoshopping something awesome that will be posted above re: backwards hat, vinyl, ninjas, etc. of course this doesn't make sense now because you've already seen it so i assume it came out awesome (also, i managed to get anime porn searching for 'cartoon mountain' on the 3rd page)

- jon turteltaub, the director of 3 ninjas, also directed cool runnings. game over.

Dark Knight

I am curled up in a fuzzy blanket on the couch. I face my HDTV mounted on the wall above my recessed fireplace with the last large log only glowing. I realize that this movie is a ratcheted up version of children's movies that adults can enjoy in parallel. The action is primal; the plot twists are signified. Then one may peel subtleties as one's fingers operate on a block of mica. The sound arrangement leverages silence tremendously. The Joker's games are merciless, intricate. A study of inmates and civilians bidden to choose self-mercy at the expense of the other provokes contemplation. What mercy could be granted? The result is faith. This action movie provoked thought.* Forgive me, I may be too excited, for I'll meditate on anything these days.

The frosting on top was my familiarity with the Loop: downtown Chicago, where the movie was filmed. Spoiler alert: I caught a few minutes of the filming of the scene in which Police Commissioner James Gordon is shot. Rows upon rows of Gotham policemen and policewomen. Actual GPD squad cars. I used the ATM inside the glass US Bank doors that flashed briefly.

Brag, brag. Hopefully I don't get coal in my stocking. Wait, hopefully I don't get OIL. I would rather bet that the guy with the marker from UPS ads wins People's "Sexiest Man Alive" than bet on OIL. LOIL!

*For inflection, see baby from E-TRADE ad say, "You just saw me buy stock."

The New Puppy Cam

When I was 4, I got a box of Trix cereal for Christmas. It was basically the best present ever - a perfect technicolor consumable accessory to the 90's holiday television specials on my family's busted television. After too many tiny little fist fulls of the sugar enriched crud, rainbow crumbs speckled my face and the empty box lay on the floor. It was then that I knew pure joy.

I can never go back to that. Never.

The closest I can get is perhaps betamaxmas.com ... and a box of honey nut cheerios.
Channels of snowy-screen holiday reruns to flip through (they have commercials too!), and adjustable rabbit ears make me feel a little less dead inside this time of year.

A Morning Story

So today I was rocking out on my headphones (bundled and bustling towards the Broadway 4/5/6 as I opted for a longer walk versus a longer train ride) when a car stopped on the corner of the street I was crossing. A dude jumped out, and I noticed that a big coffee was left sitting on the top of the car. As I've been the douche who's left shit on top of vehicles many a time, I urgently pulled out an ear bud and scampered over to the car in an attempt to save this guy public humiliation, a few bucks (the coffee was a grande starbucks, that's what like $10 right?), and a trip to the car wash. But when I grabbed the cup, I realized that it was actually attached to the car. The driver handed me a $5 starbucks gift card, wished me Happy Holidays, and the guy who had previously jumped out, got back in (to what I then noticed was a zipcar...oh i just noticed i got $75 to zip car too. jeepers).

Basically it was a really warm-hearted marketing ploy that has made it even clearer to myself and the word around me that I might never be a 'real' New Yorker. Psh THX ALOT ZIPCAR.

Turn that mother out

http://www.manbabies.com/

Thanks to The Big Rig for the tip. You out there dude?

December 6, 2008: Best SNL Ever

I added Kristen Wiig to my interests on thefacebook.com.  Will we ever see Ricky on SNL?  WRITER?

I'm trying hard as hell to learn Needle in the Hay by Elliott Smith.  It's too bad that song has such suicidal connotations because it's really beautiful.  I really love that song.  I am curious whether anyone recorded the Look, Orion! cover of it.  Look, Orion!  Look,OrionLook,OrionLook,Orion.  Look, Orion!

Christmas is coming up.  Who's delivering my McDonald's Dollar Menu (the entire thing) by 8 a.m.?  Ketchup packets and salt shaker, please.  Coke for the soda.  Coke is the best soda in the world, and anyone who argues otherwise clearly has poor taste.  Are you crazy?  Pepsi?  Its taste is thin and dishonest.  Coca-Cola is a company I can believe in because it has invented the best flavor since BBQ which was naturally occurring.  Neanderthals had BBQ, and it was better than today's BBQ.  Any hipsterthal could tell you that.  But seriously, folk stars, your genre is going the way of ska.  Mix it up a little bit.

Did they only have Keenan and Kel dude play Plaxico Buress because he's the only black dude on the cast?  Is the guy who plays Barack Obama black?  It's difficult to tell.

Seth Meyers fucking sucks.

Coming up next, it's... HOUSE

All the blood pouring out of my mouth and onto the shower floor was enough to turn the water a disconsertingly dark rusty color. I hadn't noticed a problem until I turned to spit, as I do constantly while I shower, and the spit was a bright undiluted red, but bloodier. I spat again. Same result.

Now my mouth was filling with that metallic tang, and I don't know why I hadn't tasted it sooner, except that maybe shampoo flavor is stronger than blood flavor. I searched my mouth with my tongue, fearing to find a tooth missing. I got panicky when I didn't find such an easy explanation, and tried to remember what happened to patients on House who start spitting up blood from their innards. The rate of flow stayed strong, and I considered whether I was more likely to die from bloodloss, or from whatever horrible thing was causing the hemmorage.

About 10 secs after I first noticed the problem, I finally put my hands to my face and discovered the source of blood was just my goddamn nose. Which had been my first thought, but my nose felt so untroubled in that shower. The warm water was pouring down my face and causing the blood to drop from my mouth and chin instead of from my nose. I had been completely taken in by a normal winter nosebleed, momentarily fearing for my life, because it had happened under slightly different environmental conditions than I was used to. Namely, school desks.

BEST THING EVER

Apparently Mister John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos is planning on bringing Full House back. Not like "the new 90210" bullshit with a new cast etc, but the original cast of Full House, providing a desperate and depressed overtone to this feel goody 80/90's show. This. Is. Awesome.

The cast of 90s U.S. sitcom Full House is planning to return to the small screen in an up-to-date version of the show that launched the careers of the Olsen Twins. Cameron Bure tells Ok! magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House...I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

I wonder if Stephanie Tanner will go on a meth bender, or if mary kate will come on the show as a long lost twin of Michelle (played by Ashley obvi) that everyone had previously thought to be dead!? There are so so so many possibilities.

Bonus Round: guess which olsen twin that is in the picture above

High (Ancient) Times

Bringing you more news from China (by way of MSNBC): Turns out people have been smoking pot for a really long time. Based on this picture, though, you would think that this scientist picked up his sample from the dealer down the street.

[Caption: When rolling 2700-year-old joints, you have to be very careful.]

The article does not go so far as to say whether the stash is "dank" or "sticky," but does note that much of it is still "green." However, one researcher does insist that it is no longer potent (technicians, we have to imagine, were lining up to run that experiment).

For the complete story, click here.

I give you Dartmouth Religion Professor Reiko Ohnuma

In the most egregious, idiotic use of Facebook I have ever seen...


http://dartlog.net/2008/12/dartmouth-professor-uncensored.php
http://dartlog.net/2008/12/reiko-ohnuma-part-2.php


REALLY?

i bring you the previously unpublished and thought to be lost $$_A*HOWE_$$ poems

Looking through old draft posts on this blog, I came across these two unpublished posts by $$_A*HOWE_$$. Sitting in the depths of Blogger's catacombs, I read them with interest. To read a poem is one thing, but to a read a poem in this context is another - it brings up questions that can't be readily answered. Why didn't he finish these posts? Why did he leave the drafts up? Laziness? Forgetfulness? Or to be discovered? Or to be hidden for future use?

I realized when I was re-typing them here to be posted, that these two entries differ in fundamental ways. The first, "Untitled" (and Unfinished), was clearly meant to be in poetic or prose form. Lines were parsed, stanzas clearly delineated, and thoughts ramble on like a Kerouac paragraph. Halfway through typing up the second, "potpurri", it dawned upon me that it was perhaps not meant to be a poem. See, when viewing old drafts of others on the Blogger dashboard, the text is crunched into narrow columns, making even the most paragraphical posts come off as Shakespearean sonnets. However, I thought it worked well as a poem, and let the way it was chopped up stand. Read it as you will.

1. "Untitled"

driving me and gma to vote
up hill (suburb on a hill)
radio: literally the november rain guitar
solo; my huge desire for that to matter
[shrill candidate wife campaigining literally in
parking lot for husband...
...vote, no wait]
klosterman metaphysics, call it
wait, real metaphysics
desire to drape doilies of meaning onto the
crumbs and pebbles of our dioramas---all the
time
but voting
a hundred million people and change say I
Want This
and not a referendum on ice cream flavors
as awesome as that would be
but I Want This for my life
to be... represented by x or y
representation >> empathy in the broadest
sense >> mimesis, and self/circumstances-
as-universal
we do it in poems/to poets all the time
hell, think of any given sports championship
even neanderthal sportswriters have no
choice but to try on narratives like wedding
dresses
[newsweek about "never lost his ironic
detachment," thats exactly what i was
imagining a president of our generation
behaving as: 'i will fix this country. hah, no i
wont. but i really want to try! seriously!']

AND

okay, great, economic crisis
that being fine: watchment quote about
"cards on the table"
but also, reflection:
there is so much land
and food is so fundamentally affordable
that travis's longstanding thesis is true as
ever: everyone is fine, will be fine
even souplines had soup at the end of them
in fact
the only thing holding everyone from th

2. "potpurri"

fratboys the bugbear of middlebrow criticism
(limbo-bar usa today can thus praise the
"frat pack" and call them that without any
hand wringing)---and of course there are
kind 'n worldly members of fraternity in this
country, but there are also Jewish bank
moguls and african americans who can
never, will never, get their fill of
watermelon, and only alfred p. No One is
helped by focussing on these
subdemographix

realizing being home that openness to
strange experiences is fucking central to me
in terms of who i can like (need to
distinguish, phrasing and otherwise, from
the bullshit widespread "open to new
experiences!" like the purple sex pillow in
burn after reading)

and anyone can be! although probably true
that certain groups are worse about it---the
blacks, for example. no im kidding.
fraternity types, perhaps.

mt adams vs clifton <> manhattan vs
brooklyn

the bandana as not-douche signifier despite
the rest of what im wearing. mix and match,
right? mixing high and low is still in, right?

increasing my live-with-me stock living at
home: cleaning, etc.