Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Stale Stand-up Material, Year 2010

* note: I ripped the formatting from this bit in the New Yorker

How're you all doin' tonight!! [raise microphone]

I know you've got troubles... GOD DAMN BANK TROUBLES

Yeah, we know we're supposed to budget our income, right?
Not wasting it all on SHOES and CIGARETTES and PANTS
( cheers )

So we put it "INTO SAVINGS"! [air quoting]
What does that mean? WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN?!

Friends, the term "savings" comes from the english word
but shouldn't safe money RELIABLY EXIST.
( laughter )

Haha, but my bank's all "What money? Now?"
Like, he's rustling around behind the counter, looking sad
Saying excuses like "My other friend's still using it."
Haha, WHAT?
( laughter )

Let me see your vault... EMPTY!
EMPTY like my tummy. Twigs for dinner. Shit.
( laughter )

When that vault's empty... people flip out, can you believe it?
They freak! Running to the bank like animals, sobbing
Just like in that movie "It's a Wonderful Life"
..... and it's sequel "the Great Depression".
( polite laughter )

Alright, who here loves politicians & financial institutions?
( boos )

Ha, I'm just joking. It's what I do.

But I do love my country,
and that's why I buy US Treasury bonds [perform Taps on harmonica]
( courageous patriotism )


Joules said...

Husband kept wife prisoner for 50 years

A woman in Italy was kept a prisoner in her own home by her husband for 50 years, police have revealed.

The wife was only allowed out of the house when accompanied by him, and was not allowed to speak with anyone else.

She raised the alarm when she was admitted to a hospital at Trento, a few miles from her home in the nearby Val di Non in northern Italy, for heart trouble.

She told doctors that her jealous husband had kept her a prisoner in their home virtually since the day they married in 1958.

The couple, who were not identified, are both in their seventies and are believed to have two grown-up children.

He locked her inside the house when he went out, and would not even let her watch the television.

A police spokesman said: “Once the hospital informed us of the woman’s story we acted immediately and informed the local prosecutor.

“It appears that the woman was kept a virtual prisoner in her own home for 50 years. She was only allowed out when her husband was with her and if he went out on his own he would lock all the doors and windows.

Ricky said...

( laughter )