Stale Stand-up Material, Year 2010

* note: I ripped the formatting from this bit in the New Yorker

How're you all doin' tonight!! [raise microphone]
(cheers)

I know you've got troubles... GOD DAMN BANK TROUBLES
(boos)

Yeah, we know we're supposed to budget our income, right?
Not wasting it all on SHOES and CIGARETTES and PANTS
( cheers )

So we put it "INTO SAVINGS"! [air quoting]
What does that mean? WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN?!

Friends, the term "savings" comes from the english word safe
....but shouldn't safe money RELIABLY EXIST.
( laughter )

Haha, but my bank's all "What money? Now?"
Like, he's rustling around behind the counter, looking sad
Saying excuses like "My other friend's still using it."
Haha, WHAT?
( laughter )

Let me see your vault... EMPTY!
EMPTY like my tummy. Twigs for dinner. Shit.
( laughter )

When that vault's empty... people flip out, can you believe it?
They freak! Running to the bank like animals, sobbing
Just like in that movie "It's a Wonderful Life"
..... and it's sequel "the Great Depression".
( polite laughter )

Alright, who here loves politicians & financial institutions?
( boos )

Ha, I'm just joking. It's what I do.

But I do love my country,
and that's why I buy US Treasury bonds [perform Taps on harmonica]
( courageous patriotism )

Dear Dr. Evil,

I have no conception of what a billion dollars is. To me it's just as amorphous as a bazillion elephants or a munchzillion quarter pounders (the official number of burgers stolen by the Hamburgler just last year).
So I've quantified this magic $700,000,000,000 into figures that I can understand.


I understand: 1 dollar billz
700billion one dollar bills lined up end to end could GO AROUND THE EARTH 26.62 times


I understand: ponies
I picked out this pony named Beryl. I could buy her, and 2,799,000 ponies just like her with 700billion dollar$.


I understand (and hate): Damien Hirst
Seriously F*ck Damien Hirst.
With 700billion clams I could buy his piece "For the love of God" and the rest of his goddamn collection and burn it all...and he would still have the last laugh.


I understand: Magic
700billion dollars > David Blaine's life




This all makes so much more sense now.

Dr. Seuss just got served

So it turns out that the guy whose signature is on all our dollar bills is a Dartmouth grad. His name's Hank Paulson, and he's the "Secretary of the Treasury". I emailed him yesterday for an interview (henry.m.paulson.68@alum.dartmouth.org). We chatted this afternoon:

RickyRetardo_08: a/s/l
SpankPaulson_68: ha ha
SpankPaulson_68: how are u today
RickyRetardo_08: Great, thanks! And you?
SpankPaulson_68: oh geez, i'm SWAMPED at work
SpankPaulson_68: seriously tho, i've gotten like 2 hours of sleep
RickyRetardo_08: what, are they making you sign all the newly designed pennies ;)
SpankPaulson_68: haha, no this whole market shit is my department
SpankPaulson_68: so screwed. f u c kkkkkkk
SpankPaulson_68: but what's going on with you?
RickyRetardo_08: oh, i got some green sculpy clay today
RickyRetardo_08: and i'm going to make a little alligator figurine
RickyRetardo_08: while i watch heroes tonight :D
SpankPaulson_68: haha thats awesome
RickyRetardo_08: I know, right? I can make you one too...
SpankPaulson_68: really? yes puh-lease
RickyRetardo_08: sure, I'd just need a little $$ to buy more clay
SpankPaulson_68: no prob, how much
RickyRetardo_08: OH JUST 700 BILLION DOLLARS
RickyRetardo_08: NO STRINGS ATTACHED
SpankPaulson_68: >: (
SpankPaulson_68: fuck you, you have no idea what its like
RickyRetardo_08: ~~~GOTCHA BITCH~~~