December 6, 2008: Best SNL Ever

I added Kristen Wiig to my interests on thefacebook.com.  Will we ever see Ricky on SNL?  WRITER?

I'm trying hard as hell to learn Needle in the Hay by Elliott Smith.  It's too bad that song has such suicidal connotations because it's really beautiful.  I really love that song.  I am curious whether anyone recorded the Look, Orion! cover of it.  Look, Orion!  Look,OrionLook,OrionLook,Orion.  Look, Orion!

Christmas is coming up.  Who's delivering my McDonald's Dollar Menu (the entire thing) by 8 a.m.?  Ketchup packets and salt shaker, please.  Coke for the soda.  Coke is the best soda in the world, and anyone who argues otherwise clearly has poor taste.  Are you crazy?  Pepsi?  Its taste is thin and dishonest.  Coca-Cola is a company I can believe in because it has invented the best flavor since BBQ which was naturally occurring.  Neanderthals had BBQ, and it was better than today's BBQ.  Any hipsterthal could tell you that.  But seriously, folk stars, your genre is going the way of ska.  Mix it up a little bit.

Did they only have Keenan and Kel dude play Plaxico Buress because he's the only black dude on the cast?  Is the guy who plays Barack Obama black?  It's difficult to tell.

Seth Meyers fucking sucks.

Coming up next, it's... HOUSE

All the blood pouring out of my mouth and onto the shower floor was enough to turn the water a disconsertingly dark rusty color. I hadn't noticed a problem until I turned to spit, as I do constantly while I shower, and the spit was a bright undiluted red, but bloodier. I spat again. Same result.

Now my mouth was filling with that metallic tang, and I don't know why I hadn't tasted it sooner, except that maybe shampoo flavor is stronger than blood flavor. I searched my mouth with my tongue, fearing to find a tooth missing. I got panicky when I didn't find such an easy explanation, and tried to remember what happened to patients on House who start spitting up blood from their innards. The rate of flow stayed strong, and I considered whether I was more likely to die from bloodloss, or from whatever horrible thing was causing the hemmorage.

About 10 secs after I first noticed the problem, I finally put my hands to my face and discovered the source of blood was just my goddamn nose. Which had been my first thought, but my nose felt so untroubled in that shower. The warm water was pouring down my face and causing the blood to drop from my mouth and chin instead of from my nose. I had been completely taken in by a normal winter nosebleed, momentarily fearing for my life, because it had happened under slightly different environmental conditions than I was used to. Namely, school desks.

BEST THING EVER

Apparently Mister John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos is planning on bringing Full House back. Not like "the new 90210" bullshit with a new cast etc, but the original cast of Full House, providing a desperate and depressed overtone to this feel goody 80/90's show. This. Is. Awesome.

The cast of 90s U.S. sitcom Full House is planning to return to the small screen in an up-to-date version of the show that launched the careers of the Olsen Twins. Cameron Bure tells Ok! magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House...I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

I wonder if Stephanie Tanner will go on a meth bender, or if mary kate will come on the show as a long lost twin of Michelle (played by Ashley obvi) that everyone had previously thought to be dead!? There are so so so many possibilities.

Bonus Round: guess which olsen twin that is in the picture above

High (Ancient) Times

Bringing you more news from China (by way of MSNBC): Turns out people have been smoking pot for a really long time. Based on this picture, though, you would think that this scientist picked up his sample from the dealer down the street.

[Caption: When rolling 2700-year-old joints, you have to be very careful.]

The article does not go so far as to say whether the stash is "dank" or "sticky," but does note that much of it is still "green." However, one researcher does insist that it is no longer potent (technicians, we have to imagine, were lining up to run that experiment).

For the complete story, click here.

I give you Dartmouth Religion Professor Reiko Ohnuma

In the most egregious, idiotic use of Facebook I have ever seen...


http://dartlog.net/2008/12/dartmouth-professor-uncensored.php
http://dartlog.net/2008/12/reiko-ohnuma-part-2.php


REALLY?

i bring you the previously unpublished and thought to be lost $$_A*HOWE_$$ poems

Looking through old draft posts on this blog, I came across these two unpublished posts by $$_A*HOWE_$$. Sitting in the depths of Blogger's catacombs, I read them with interest. To read a poem is one thing, but to a read a poem in this context is another - it brings up questions that can't be readily answered. Why didn't he finish these posts? Why did he leave the drafts up? Laziness? Forgetfulness? Or to be discovered? Or to be hidden for future use?

I realized when I was re-typing them here to be posted, that these two entries differ in fundamental ways. The first, "Untitled" (and Unfinished), was clearly meant to be in poetic or prose form. Lines were parsed, stanzas clearly delineated, and thoughts ramble on like a Kerouac paragraph. Halfway through typing up the second, "potpurri", it dawned upon me that it was perhaps not meant to be a poem. See, when viewing old drafts of others on the Blogger dashboard, the text is crunched into narrow columns, making even the most paragraphical posts come off as Shakespearean sonnets. However, I thought it worked well as a poem, and let the way it was chopped up stand. Read it as you will.

1. "Untitled"

driving me and gma to vote
up hill (suburb on a hill)
radio: literally the november rain guitar
solo; my huge desire for that to matter
[shrill candidate wife campaigining literally in
parking lot for husband...
...vote, no wait]
klosterman metaphysics, call it
wait, real metaphysics
desire to drape doilies of meaning onto the
crumbs and pebbles of our dioramas---all the
time
but voting
a hundred million people and change say I
Want This
and not a referendum on ice cream flavors
as awesome as that would be
but I Want This for my life
to be... represented by x or y
representation >> empathy in the broadest
sense >> mimesis, and self/circumstances-
as-universal
we do it in poems/to poets all the time
hell, think of any given sports championship
even neanderthal sportswriters have no
choice but to try on narratives like wedding
dresses
[newsweek about "never lost his ironic
detachment," thats exactly what i was
imagining a president of our generation
behaving as: 'i will fix this country. hah, no i
wont. but i really want to try! seriously!']

AND

okay, great, economic crisis
that being fine: watchment quote about
"cards on the table"
but also, reflection:
there is so much land
and food is so fundamentally affordable
that travis's longstanding thesis is true as
ever: everyone is fine, will be fine
even souplines had soup at the end of them
in fact
the only thing holding everyone from th

2. "potpurri"

fratboys the bugbear of middlebrow criticism
(limbo-bar usa today can thus praise the
"frat pack" and call them that without any
hand wringing)---and of course there are
kind 'n worldly members of fraternity in this
country, but there are also Jewish bank
moguls and african americans who can
never, will never, get their fill of
watermelon, and only alfred p. No One is
helped by focussing on these
subdemographix

realizing being home that openness to
strange experiences is fucking central to me
in terms of who i can like (need to
distinguish, phrasing and otherwise, from
the bullshit widespread "open to new
experiences!" like the purple sex pillow in
burn after reading)

and anyone can be! although probably true
that certain groups are worse about it---the
blacks, for example. no im kidding.
fraternity types, perhaps.

mt adams vs clifton <> manhattan vs
brooklyn

the bandana as not-douche signifier despite
the rest of what im wearing. mix and match,
right? mixing high and low is still in, right?

increasing my live-with-me stock living at
home: cleaning, etc.

Meta-Training

Recently I found myself in two classes that made me giggle. Yesterday I was in a presentation about how to present to large groups, and all I wanted to do was point out how much pressure there was on the presenter to "Open Strongly, Engage Her Audience, etc." Everyone else was just half asleep, half listening. The presenter even made a joke about her curious situation, but no one really reacted. Then this morning I was in a class teaching us how two separate roles within the company ought to communicate, the nature of their relationship, etc. I thought it would be solely in lecture format, but, Surprise! we broke into small groups to discuss the common problems that arise while working in small groups. I made a few wise cracks in the beginning like, "I sure have noticed that not being prepared for a group meeting is a big mistake that makes communicating in small groups difficult," but nobody seemed to care. None of this is overwhelmingly funny.

It also reminded me of trying to find meaning in life through the act of living. Never overwhelmingly conclusive.

pure evil

" ... the giant isopod has one of the most repulsive forms in the animal kingdom to humans. This is thought by psychologists to be due to its many legs, exaggerated exoskeleton, large compound eyes, and foul odor that it obtains through a life underwater. Because of this, giant isopods are rarely found in the human media, and are even less often used as pets."

worst person ever

who's the worst person ever?

no it's not george bush. it's not even hitler! it's thomas midgley, jr. who dat?

he was a chemical engineer, born in 1889, who worked for GM. his boss was charles kettering, who told him to find stuff that would help out with their cars. so thomas went up and invented "ethyl", which was really gasoline with tetra-ethyl lead added to it - leaded gasoline. this led to lead in the air everywhere, poisoning babies and puppies and kittens worldwide, and killing off the environment. way to go, jerkface.

GM loved him so much they asked him to find a chemical to use as refrigerant for their household appliances. lo and behold, he found a compound that did just that - dichlorodifluoromethane, a chlorinated fluorocarbon, aka CFC. thomas called it "freon". GM put it in everything, and now thomas's nefarious plan to destroy the earth forever was underway.

karma's a bitch, though, and that IDIOT thomas contracted polio. because the disease disabled him, thomas invented a system of ropes and pulleys to help people lift him in and out of bed. turning out to be a true thomas midgley, jr. invention, he found himself entangled in the ropes and pulleys one day, and he strangled himself.

the dude who put lead in gasoline and CFCs in the air was killed by his own final invention

how fitting

(bonus environmental tragedy by clicking the picture!)

My head is full of facts

Since lists are all the rage right now, here's some things I've learned while watching one of my favorite TV shows during its 6th season, QI (Quite Interesting):

A vampire bat is most likely to bite your big toe




A park ranger called Roy Sullivan was struck by lightning 7 times in his life, then died by committing suicide with a shotgun




Corn flakes were originally used to discourage masturbation. John Harvey Kellogg was deeply against the practice.




The Paris sewers (which line up exactly with the streets above) are cleaned by massive balls, which are pushed by jets of water.




Fainting goats help protect flocks of sheep by allowing the rest of the flock to escape from predators like wolves, whilst it is eaten. (click the picture, its so worth it to see these goats in action)

Things I Googled for while watching Sixteen Candles alone

1. What happens when guys take birth control pills
2. How come I don't know anyone that looks like Molly Ringwald is it an 80s thing or what
3. Isn't it bizarre that the Asian guy in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle really likes Sixteen Candles despite the incredibly offensive and unfunny Asian character featured in it as comic relief
4. High school was never like Sixteen Candles
5. Sixteen Candles sucks
6. Number of single women in New York City
7. Big boobies

Chinese Democracy

For 15 years the best thing about Axl Rose's pet project was the name. The ambivalence created by titling a mysterious album Chinese Democracy was priceless. If someone asked, "What do you think of Chinese Democracy?" You could answer in a number of ways that would be equally applicable to the political system and the hard rock enigma. For example:

Asker: What do you think of Chinese Democracy?
Answerer: Oh, I don't think it will ever happen.

Asker: What do you think of Chinese Democracy?
Answerer: I think it would be a mistake.

Asker: What do you think of Chinese Democracy?
Answerer: I'm not sure if the people are ready for it.

Asker: What do you think of Chinese Democracy?
Answerer: In a country with a population of 1.3 billion people a democratic political system built on a Western model of checks and balances could create chaos and actually negatively impact social and economic growth.

That said, we all knew that Axl chose the name for aesthetics and irony more than for the sake of political convictions. After all, he's a rock star whose claim to fame is 1980s excess and obsessive tendencies. If the man has any strong feelings about foreign policy, they are probably more focused on trade arrangements with Colombia than on human rights violations and freedom of speech in China. In a past interview, Axl himself admitted, "It could also just be like an ironic statement. I don't know, I just like the sound of it."

Regardless of the motive behind the name, and the motive behind the album, it's finally here. I've been listening to the title track for the last couple days, and I just finished listening to the entire album. First of all, I have to say that this is an impressively coherent effort for something that has taken seventeen years and at least five guitarists to produce. You can't just listen to the single, you MUST listen to the album.

That said, there are a couple of standout tracks. The first track, "Chinese Democracy" is like an announcement: Rock is back, deal with it. The guitar stabs into an incomprehensible sea of babbling Chinese as if Axl is telling everyone to shut up and listen to what he has to say. I agree with other critics in saying that it's not exactly clear what the message of the lyrics is: it's something between a personal meta-narrative about the process of making the album and typical rock and roll drivel about love lost and found. He does make a few references to China, but it's unclear what the point is.

Clocking in at 6:41, "There Was a Time" is the first track that made me think, "Damn, now there's a rock song." There are a lot of people out there who are saying that without Slash it isn't a GNR album. I say they're wrong. This is as much Guns N Roses as "Sweet Child Of Mine" and "Welcome to the Jungle." And it's a hell of a lot better than any of the trash that Slash released with Velvet Revolver.

"Catcher in the Rye" is a track that's going to get a lot of attention. Most of the attention will come from the title and analysis of how Axl relates to Holden Caulfield. Personally, I have always found the superficial reading of Catcher in the Rye as a tale of adolescent angst to be the most convincing. Given the frustration that must have either come from or gone into the 17 year production of this album, I think the connection here is pretty obvious. It's a good song, but not the strongest on the record.

There are also a number of piano propelled tracks that conjur up allusions to "November Rain." If you listen to this album from start to finish and still think that the lack of Slash diminishes the GNR characteristics of this album, then you are either not listening or you are in denial. If nothing else, tell yourself that Axl set out to prove he could make a GNR album without the iconic guitarist in the top hat.

I prefer a different analysis though. I think that the album is stronger without Slash. While Slash is a great guitar player, he has a very distinctive style of amped up meandering blues-rock. I love to listen to it. As Regina Spektor says of "November Rain," "that solo's awfully long, but it's a great refrain." He played great sing-along solos, but you always had something of an idea of what they would sound like. On this album, Axl uses riffs and solos from at least five different guitarists recorded over the course of almost two decades. It's amazing that he put together such a tight album from such a mess, and one of the best things it has to offer is diversity in guitar playing.

On the whole, I am very impressed by Chinese Democracy. While I will admit up front that I was predisposed to think positively of it because I found the hype highly enjoyable, I will also say that I was originally in the "it's not GNR without Slash" camp. Color me converted. This album rocks, and definitely counts as Guns N Roses. In the spirit of the title, I say grab this album however you can - legally or otherwise. No matter what, definitely go out and listen to it.

Then send copies to your friends in China, where it's officially banned. Maybe they'll get the right idea (the right idea: Rock and Roll is fing sweet, and censorship is bullshit).