A Morning Story

So today I was rocking out on my headphones (bundled and bustling towards the Broadway 4/5/6 as I opted for a longer walk versus a longer train ride) when a car stopped on the corner of the street I was crossing. A dude jumped out, and I noticed that a big coffee was left sitting on the top of the car. As I've been the douche who's left shit on top of vehicles many a time, I urgently pulled out an ear bud and scampered over to the car in an attempt to save this guy public humiliation, a few bucks (the coffee was a grande starbucks, that's what like $10 right?), and a trip to the car wash. But when I grabbed the cup, I realized that it was actually attached to the car. The driver handed me a $5 starbucks gift card, wished me Happy Holidays, and the guy who had previously jumped out, got back in (to what I then noticed was a zipcar...oh i just noticed i got $75 to zip car too. jeepers).

Basically it was a really warm-hearted marketing ploy that has made it even clearer to myself and the word around me that I might never be a 'real' New Yorker. Psh THX ALOT ZIPCAR.

Turn that mother out

http://www.manbabies.com/

Thanks to The Big Rig for the tip. You out there dude?

December 6, 2008: Best SNL Ever

I added Kristen Wiig to my interests on thefacebook.com.  Will we ever see Ricky on SNL?  WRITER?

I'm trying hard as hell to learn Needle in the Hay by Elliott Smith.  It's too bad that song has such suicidal connotations because it's really beautiful.  I really love that song.  I am curious whether anyone recorded the Look, Orion! cover of it.  Look, Orion!  Look,OrionLook,OrionLook,Orion.  Look, Orion!

Christmas is coming up.  Who's delivering my McDonald's Dollar Menu (the entire thing) by 8 a.m.?  Ketchup packets and salt shaker, please.  Coke for the soda.  Coke is the best soda in the world, and anyone who argues otherwise clearly has poor taste.  Are you crazy?  Pepsi?  Its taste is thin and dishonest.  Coca-Cola is a company I can believe in because it has invented the best flavor since BBQ which was naturally occurring.  Neanderthals had BBQ, and it was better than today's BBQ.  Any hipsterthal could tell you that.  But seriously, folk stars, your genre is going the way of ska.  Mix it up a little bit.

Did they only have Keenan and Kel dude play Plaxico Buress because he's the only black dude on the cast?  Is the guy who plays Barack Obama black?  It's difficult to tell.

Seth Meyers fucking sucks.

Coming up next, it's... HOUSE

All the blood pouring out of my mouth and onto the shower floor was enough to turn the water a disconsertingly dark rusty color. I hadn't noticed a problem until I turned to spit, as I do constantly while I shower, and the spit was a bright undiluted red, but bloodier. I spat again. Same result.

Now my mouth was filling with that metallic tang, and I don't know why I hadn't tasted it sooner, except that maybe shampoo flavor is stronger than blood flavor. I searched my mouth with my tongue, fearing to find a tooth missing. I got panicky when I didn't find such an easy explanation, and tried to remember what happened to patients on House who start spitting up blood from their innards. The rate of flow stayed strong, and I considered whether I was more likely to die from bloodloss, or from whatever horrible thing was causing the hemmorage.

About 10 secs after I first noticed the problem, I finally put my hands to my face and discovered the source of blood was just my goddamn nose. Which had been my first thought, but my nose felt so untroubled in that shower. The warm water was pouring down my face and causing the blood to drop from my mouth and chin instead of from my nose. I had been completely taken in by a normal winter nosebleed, momentarily fearing for my life, because it had happened under slightly different environmental conditions than I was used to. Namely, school desks.

BEST THING EVER

Apparently Mister John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos is planning on bringing Full House back. Not like "the new 90210" bullshit with a new cast etc, but the original cast of Full House, providing a desperate and depressed overtone to this feel goody 80/90's show. This. Is. Awesome.

The cast of 90s U.S. sitcom Full House is planning to return to the small screen in an up-to-date version of the show that launched the careers of the Olsen Twins. Cameron Bure tells Ok! magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House...I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

I wonder if Stephanie Tanner will go on a meth bender, or if mary kate will come on the show as a long lost twin of Michelle (played by Ashley obvi) that everyone had previously thought to be dead!? There are so so so many possibilities.

Bonus Round: guess which olsen twin that is in the picture above

High (Ancient) Times

Bringing you more news from China (by way of MSNBC): Turns out people have been smoking pot for a really long time. Based on this picture, though, you would think that this scientist picked up his sample from the dealer down the street.

[Caption: When rolling 2700-year-old joints, you have to be very careful.]

The article does not go so far as to say whether the stash is "dank" or "sticky," but does note that much of it is still "green." However, one researcher does insist that it is no longer potent (technicians, we have to imagine, were lining up to run that experiment).

For the complete story, click here.

I give you Dartmouth Religion Professor Reiko Ohnuma

In the most egregious, idiotic use of Facebook I have ever seen...


http://dartlog.net/2008/12/dartmouth-professor-uncensored.php
http://dartlog.net/2008/12/reiko-ohnuma-part-2.php


REALLY?

i bring you the previously unpublished and thought to be lost $$_A*HOWE_$$ poems

Looking through old draft posts on this blog, I came across these two unpublished posts by $$_A*HOWE_$$. Sitting in the depths of Blogger's catacombs, I read them with interest. To read a poem is one thing, but to a read a poem in this context is another - it brings up questions that can't be readily answered. Why didn't he finish these posts? Why did he leave the drafts up? Laziness? Forgetfulness? Or to be discovered? Or to be hidden for future use?

I realized when I was re-typing them here to be posted, that these two entries differ in fundamental ways. The first, "Untitled" (and Unfinished), was clearly meant to be in poetic or prose form. Lines were parsed, stanzas clearly delineated, and thoughts ramble on like a Kerouac paragraph. Halfway through typing up the second, "potpurri", it dawned upon me that it was perhaps not meant to be a poem. See, when viewing old drafts of others on the Blogger dashboard, the text is crunched into narrow columns, making even the most paragraphical posts come off as Shakespearean sonnets. However, I thought it worked well as a poem, and let the way it was chopped up stand. Read it as you will.

1. "Untitled"

driving me and gma to vote
up hill (suburb on a hill)
radio: literally the november rain guitar
solo; my huge desire for that to matter
[shrill candidate wife campaigining literally in
parking lot for husband...
...vote, no wait]
klosterman metaphysics, call it
wait, real metaphysics
desire to drape doilies of meaning onto the
crumbs and pebbles of our dioramas---all the
time
but voting
a hundred million people and change say I
Want This
and not a referendum on ice cream flavors
as awesome as that would be
but I Want This for my life
to be... represented by x or y
representation >> empathy in the broadest
sense >> mimesis, and self/circumstances-
as-universal
we do it in poems/to poets all the time
hell, think of any given sports championship
even neanderthal sportswriters have no
choice but to try on narratives like wedding
dresses
[newsweek about "never lost his ironic
detachment," thats exactly what i was
imagining a president of our generation
behaving as: 'i will fix this country. hah, no i
wont. but i really want to try! seriously!']

AND

okay, great, economic crisis
that being fine: watchment quote about
"cards on the table"
but also, reflection:
there is so much land
and food is so fundamentally affordable
that travis's longstanding thesis is true as
ever: everyone is fine, will be fine
even souplines had soup at the end of them
in fact
the only thing holding everyone from th

2. "potpurri"

fratboys the bugbear of middlebrow criticism
(limbo-bar usa today can thus praise the
"frat pack" and call them that without any
hand wringing)---and of course there are
kind 'n worldly members of fraternity in this
country, but there are also Jewish bank
moguls and african americans who can
never, will never, get their fill of
watermelon, and only alfred p. No One is
helped by focussing on these
subdemographix

realizing being home that openness to
strange experiences is fucking central to me
in terms of who i can like (need to
distinguish, phrasing and otherwise, from
the bullshit widespread "open to new
experiences!" like the purple sex pillow in
burn after reading)

and anyone can be! although probably true
that certain groups are worse about it---the
blacks, for example. no im kidding.
fraternity types, perhaps.

mt adams vs clifton <> manhattan vs
brooklyn

the bandana as not-douche signifier despite
the rest of what im wearing. mix and match,
right? mixing high and low is still in, right?

increasing my live-with-me stock living at
home: cleaning, etc.

Meta-Training

Recently I found myself in two classes that made me giggle. Yesterday I was in a presentation about how to present to large groups, and all I wanted to do was point out how much pressure there was on the presenter to "Open Strongly, Engage Her Audience, etc." Everyone else was just half asleep, half listening. The presenter even made a joke about her curious situation, but no one really reacted. Then this morning I was in a class teaching us how two separate roles within the company ought to communicate, the nature of their relationship, etc. I thought it would be solely in lecture format, but, Surprise! we broke into small groups to discuss the common problems that arise while working in small groups. I made a few wise cracks in the beginning like, "I sure have noticed that not being prepared for a group meeting is a big mistake that makes communicating in small groups difficult," but nobody seemed to care. None of this is overwhelmingly funny.

It also reminded me of trying to find meaning in life through the act of living. Never overwhelmingly conclusive.

pure evil

" ... the giant isopod has one of the most repulsive forms in the animal kingdom to humans. This is thought by psychologists to be due to its many legs, exaggerated exoskeleton, large compound eyes, and foul odor that it obtains through a life underwater. Because of this, giant isopods are rarely found in the human media, and are even less often used as pets."

worst person ever

who's the worst person ever?

no it's not george bush. it's not even hitler! it's thomas midgley, jr. who dat?

he was a chemical engineer, born in 1889, who worked for GM. his boss was charles kettering, who told him to find stuff that would help out with their cars. so thomas went up and invented "ethyl", which was really gasoline with tetra-ethyl lead added to it - leaded gasoline. this led to lead in the air everywhere, poisoning babies and puppies and kittens worldwide, and killing off the environment. way to go, jerkface.

GM loved him so much they asked him to find a chemical to use as refrigerant for their household appliances. lo and behold, he found a compound that did just that - dichlorodifluoromethane, a chlorinated fluorocarbon, aka CFC. thomas called it "freon". GM put it in everything, and now thomas's nefarious plan to destroy the earth forever was underway.

karma's a bitch, though, and that IDIOT thomas contracted polio. because the disease disabled him, thomas invented a system of ropes and pulleys to help people lift him in and out of bed. turning out to be a true thomas midgley, jr. invention, he found himself entangled in the ropes and pulleys one day, and he strangled himself.

the dude who put lead in gasoline and CFCs in the air was killed by his own final invention

how fitting

(bonus environmental tragedy by clicking the picture!)