Wednesday, September 10, 2008

How to Chop Firewood ~OR~ Surviving the Energy Crisis ~OR~ DIY Fatal Bloodloss *PART ONE*

First, never pay for wood. Trees are very easy to steal because nobody's yard has those store-gates that beep when you suck at shoplifting. But seriously, trees fall down all the time, and for most people, it's a huge bitch to deal with an enormous fallen tree on your property. They would have to pay someone to take it away, so everybody wins when they "let" you have it for free. The same goes for trees that fall on city property, like the ones between the sidewalk and the street. Your mayor will be like "omg, srsly thnx so much 4 stealin that crappy sugar maple, cuz i h8 makin firewud.... To be honest, I am woefully ignorant as to the chopping process."

Step two: use your chainsaw to cut the tree into manageable 2 ft segments.
Each of these segments will be unimaginably heavy. You thought you understood why wood was buoyant, but this experience will challenge that knowledge.

Step three: Get a maul. Axe heads are really sharp and thin, but if you don't split the log on the first try, the head ends up stuck really deep in the wood, and it's scary to yank it back out because you're never quite sure when it'll release. It's kind of like the sword in the stone, but you are *NOT* King Arthur.

A maul, on the other hand, has a really heavy wedge-shaped head with the power to basically explode logs, so you *ARE* just like Merlin
. KaZaam!
Next time, I'm going to teach you the basics of my father's chopping method. His technique is only marginally safe, and only if you are also a 270 lb. man with arms like mighty St. Bernards. If you are built more like a young lumpy Orlando Bloom and you have minimal understanding of applied physics, I can guarantee that this method will be CrAzY dangerous!

1 comment:

Wool said...

Case in point: