Bring Your Short Game

Okay, so the coolness of Dubai is old news, but this photo is pretty wild: Andre Agassi and Roger Federer playing a match on top of the helipad of the Burj al Arab (the hotel that looks like a giant sail).

Stale Stand-up Material, Year 2010

* note: I ripped the formatting from this bit in the New Yorker

How're you all doin' tonight!! [raise microphone]
(cheers)

I know you've got troubles... GOD DAMN BANK TROUBLES
(boos)

Yeah, we know we're supposed to budget our income, right?
Not wasting it all on SHOES and CIGARETTES and PANTS
( cheers )

So we put it "INTO SAVINGS"! [air quoting]
What does that mean? WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN?!

Friends, the term "savings" comes from the english word safe
....but shouldn't safe money RELIABLY EXIST.
( laughter )

Haha, but my bank's all "What money? Now?"
Like, he's rustling around behind the counter, looking sad
Saying excuses like "My other friend's still using it."
Haha, WHAT?
( laughter )

Let me see your vault... EMPTY!
EMPTY like my tummy. Twigs for dinner. Shit.
( laughter )

When that vault's empty... people flip out, can you believe it?
They freak! Running to the bank like animals, sobbing
Just like in that movie "It's a Wonderful Life"
..... and it's sequel "the Great Depression".
( polite laughter )

Alright, who here loves politicians & financial institutions?
( boos )

Ha, I'm just joking. It's what I do.

But I do love my country,
and that's why I buy US Treasury bonds [perform Taps on harmonica]
( courageous patriotism )

Bush played too many board games

I played a Risk marathon last night: three games in a row. It occurred to me that Risk is actually a remarkably good model for international politics. Sure, it leaves finance out of the equation, but a game based purely on population relationships does a pretty good job of consistently and accurately simulating world affairs. Here’s my breakdown of socio-history based on my observations of the game:

Native Americans Sure it seems like a good idea to settle North America early on. Unfortunately, in order to get those five extra armies each turn you have to spread yourself thin. Even with heavy fortification at your entry points, once the invaders have a foothold, they will quickly take the continent.

Genghis Khan Starting with your troops in Central Asia, you quickly spread to the rest of the continent while your enemies are concerned with other problems. As soon as the rest of the world realizes that you’re about to develop a huge population, they turn their cannons at you, forcing you to retreat to China, where you are surrounded.

Napoleon You easily take all of Europe in one turn, but encounter a series of bad rolls on the Eastern frontier. You are also short. And you think everyone is picking on you.*

USA Unable to stay in Europe, you wait until someone else attacks the Americas, and then you swoop in and hit them while they’re weak. Once you get your stronghold in North America, it takes all of your efforts to maintain it. So, even though your mission card tells you that you need to be involved in Africa and another continent, you choose to primarily defend your own borders. Occasionally you get involved in a foreign conflict in order to win a card. You also are compelled to maintain a large presence near panama.

The Middle East The crossroads of the world, you are always a hotly contested territory. You are the key to Asia’s seven extra men per turn and you are also a gateway into Africa. Europe, Asia, and Africa all want a piece of you. North America probably wants a piece too because their mission is to conquer Africa.

Communism One player will inevitably draw the “kill red” mission card. Need I say more?

Australia Chills out at the bottom of the world. Remote, you can only be accessed via Siam. Most people assume all you do is surf and build crazy opera houses, but with 2 extra men each turn, you just have to wait for your chance to easily take Asia and the world.

China (Asia) With such a potentially huge population, the rest of the world always has to look out for hidden dragons.

The UN An alliance forms between most of the players, but everyone lies about their desire to be involved in the Middle East. Asia is also lying about their plans to invade either Europe or North America. It sometimes seems that all this conflict could easily be solved by getting together for a beer, but in the heat of the moment it's just not as much fun.**

*They are.
**And anyway, what's stopping us from drinking beers together while our armies fight one another?

Ahead of their time...

Aww! The new building at the California Academy of Sciences (below) looks JUST like the Teletubby den (above)!

Story about greeeeeen architecture here. Time for tubby bye-bye!

The MEANS:

I want to LEARN magic. Somebody should INVENT magic.

Dear Dr. Evil,

I have no conception of what a billion dollars is. To me it's just as amorphous as a bazillion elephants or a munchzillion quarter pounders (the official number of burgers stolen by the Hamburgler just last year).
So I've quantified this magic $700,000,000,000 into figures that I can understand.


I understand: 1 dollar billz
700billion one dollar bills lined up end to end could GO AROUND THE EARTH 26.62 times


I understand: ponies
I picked out this pony named Beryl. I could buy her, and 2,799,000 ponies just like her with 700billion dollar$.


I understand (and hate): Damien Hirst
Seriously F*ck Damien Hirst.
With 700billion clams I could buy his piece "For the love of God" and the rest of his goddamn collection and burn it all...and he would still have the last laugh.


I understand: Magic
700billion dollars > David Blaine's life




This all makes so much more sense now.

Taking it (back) to the Streets

Hey, Kids - I know I've been scarce on this here blog. It may have to do with getting myself halfway around the world. Here's a post-Olympics update from the BJ:

I came to Beijing without much of a plan, but I did have one thought fully formulated: “Street food.”

I’m not talking about kosher hot dogs served to you from the gloved hands of an Egyptian pushing a refrigerated five-star restaurant. I’m not talking about a cheese-steak fresh from the back of the truck on the corner of 38th and Walnut. Hell, I’m not talking about anything that would pass health code.

I’m talking about meat that has been sitting in a Styrofoam cooler for the last ten hours and pancakes grilled on coal-fired stoves propped precariously on pedestrian-pulled wheelbarrows. The closest thing here to a foot-long is a strip of chicken on a stick, reddened with spicy pepper and too hot to eat without the help of a big bottle of beer.


The problem, which I only learned about as I hit the streets in search of breakfast, is that street-vendors had been sent packing during the Olympics. I learned of this disappointing situation when I sought out a breakfast of jian bing after spending a jetlagged and drunken night craving any food at all.

Jian bing consist of a delectable compilation of eggs, pancakes, chives, cilantro, and mystery sauce. If you find the right stand, then they also might feature black sesame seeds. I have never laid taste buds to a more satisfying street food. Once upon a time in China jian bing vendors were more ubiquitous than Starbucks, but times are changing.

During my hunt for breakfast, I may have burned more calories than one pancake could replace. In a five-block radius, I did not find a single food cart. When I finally did get my snack (it could hardly be called breakfast anymore), it came from a storefront window. My hunger sated, I turned only to thoughts of disappointment at the turn modernization had taken.

Fortunately, it seems that the "improvement" to the streets of Beijing was only temporary. Already, things are going back to normal. Tonight I saw the rebirth of open-air restaurants that consist of a card table and a grill full of meat sticks. Tomorrow I anticipate the return of the jian bing. The one constant truth about Beijing is that when it changes, it changes fast.

As for my plan here in Beijing: one of my friends has a barbeque. I think I’ll start selling burgers and hotdogs outside of the Llama Temple. The going rate for a burger in this town is close to twenty dollars, so I'm sure I’ll do just fine.

GUYS GUYS GUYS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

the guy in the dark knight who plays the schizophrenic freak who works for the joker (he's the guy that has the "officer dawes" uniform on during the police parade, you know, the guy harvey dent/two-face/aaron eckhart almost kills in rage, who also everyone thinks is the same guy who plays the scarecrow who he actually ISN'T because that's cilian murphy who is a different but equally if not more awesome actor who has been in movies such as 28 days later, red eye, and the wind that shakes the barley) is in the latest wendy's commercials that are showing on tv !!!

i just realized this! his name is dave dastmalchian

the only other thing i can find him in is this commercial for cingular

that's all! ALSO ALSO HEROOOOOOOOOOOOOES IN 12 MINUTES

Dr. Seuss just got served

So it turns out that the guy whose signature is on all our dollar bills is a Dartmouth grad. His name's Hank Paulson, and he's the "Secretary of the Treasury". I emailed him yesterday for an interview (henry.m.paulson.68@alum.dartmouth.org). We chatted this afternoon:

RickyRetardo_08: a/s/l
SpankPaulson_68: ha ha
SpankPaulson_68: how are u today
RickyRetardo_08: Great, thanks! And you?
SpankPaulson_68: oh geez, i'm SWAMPED at work
SpankPaulson_68: seriously tho, i've gotten like 2 hours of sleep
RickyRetardo_08: what, are they making you sign all the newly designed pennies ;)
SpankPaulson_68: haha, no this whole market shit is my department
SpankPaulson_68: so screwed. f u c kkkkkkk
SpankPaulson_68: but what's going on with you?
RickyRetardo_08: oh, i got some green sculpy clay today
RickyRetardo_08: and i'm going to make a little alligator figurine
RickyRetardo_08: while i watch heroes tonight :D
SpankPaulson_68: haha thats awesome
RickyRetardo_08: I know, right? I can make you one too...
SpankPaulson_68: really? yes puh-lease
RickyRetardo_08: sure, I'd just need a little $$ to buy more clay
SpankPaulson_68: no prob, how much
RickyRetardo_08: OH JUST 700 BILLION DOLLARS
RickyRetardo_08: NO STRINGS ATTACHED
SpankPaulson_68: >: (
SpankPaulson_68: fuck you, you have no idea what its like
RickyRetardo_08: ~~~GOTCHA BITCH~~~

la la la

man i haven't posted in what seems like ages! i've been working hard (one day a week), buying groceries on the regular (bread, salami, and sushi), and playing hardcore video games (i am now a proud level 40 in halo 3, also, travis beat grand theft auto 4).

how do i fit in the time to BLOG ???

if you haven't heard, travis barker (drummer from blink 182, prob the only good thing from that band) and dj am were seriously injured in a plane crash this past week. four other passengers died - that darned celebrity luck! the l.a. dj scene is a lot different than the east coast scene. it's a lot more glamorous, a lot more flashy, and a lot more narcissistic. dj am is part of the same high flyin', hollywood associatin' club family of steve aoki, etc.

and mia moretti.

mia moretti is yet another female dj for boys all over the world to drool over. there's not much more sexy than a girl spinning at a club. it's like watching a dog walk on its hind feet; at first it seems wrong, but then it seems so, so right. mia's been tearing up clubs in l.a. for a while, but she recently embarked on a nationwide tour with the summer's new pop sensation, katy perry. yea that's right, mia moretti is katy perry's personal dj. CAN IT GET ANY BETTER ??

(i mean what if they made out with each other omg)

katy perry - hot n cold (mia moretti remix)

Irony: man's best friend

Whoa, I read this article and got a little nervous and worked up. I always think about how my kids will perceive me. When I was walking through a conference hall yesterday, I was trying to determine which carpet will look really old in 10 years and which styles will endure. Does hyper-ironically enjoying teen pop music prevent us from "becoming the dog," as the author calls it?
Are the ever-compounding layers of irony someday going to make it hilarious when people say absolutely normal stuff? Will my mom make hilarious jokes that she doesn't even get? Will 10 people in a room "get" a joke in 10 different ways, depending on how many personal irony layers they've compounded for themselves?
This is all very strange. Growing up is getting very, very strange. Last night I had a beer and screwed around on Ableton with an old friend of mine. I criticized something he said with, "Well, isn't that observation A just an extension of B?" and he responded, "WELL ISN'T EVERYTHING NOW JUST AN EXTENSION OF SOMETHING IN THE PAST?" I responded, "Man, I try not to trouble myself with thinking too hard about stuff in that manner anymore." He agreed, and said he thinks much more simply these days. I do, too.
I think I promised myself a thousand times over that I would never go down the path of mental comfort and general complacency I'm currently going down, but it feels so good to be comfortable and happy and it's so scary to back track to the dark, defeating, endless mind travels I've so recently escaped.
This isn't really an active transformation, though. It's part "I have enough to think about and enough responsibility to keep my otherwise curious+mischievous mind occupied" and part "I've got the right amount of brainfuck under my belt to be ready to move on."
It would obviously be nice to know how I'll look back on this reflection. Unbridled and hardly-edited streams of consciousness like this usually embarrass the hell out of me once the next mind-environment cycle turns. Like diaries or journals. That shit's hilarious. My 8th grade letter to my 12th grade self says, "Trust in God. Always rely on prayer. NEVER TOUCH DRUGS OR ALCOHOL."
57 minutes until the weekend...

[Edit: completely forgot to link the article. Here it is.]

feed the barracuda

i know this has already been said over and over, but sarah palin is quite clearly unqualified, unaware, and unable to come up with her own thoughts. besides the glaring gaffes of not knowing what the bush doctrine is or how to pronounce "nuclear", her interview with abc's charles gibson showed us how she was obviously being fed lines to say ...over and over:

"GIBSON: What if Israel decided it felt threatened and need to take out the Iranian nuclear facilities?

PALIN: Well, first, we are friends of Israel, and I don’t think that we should second guess the measures that Israel has to take to defend themselves, and for their security.

GIBSON: So if we didn’t second guess it and if they decided they needed to do it, because Iran was an existential threat, we would be cooperative or agree with that?

PALIN: I don’t think we can second guess what Israel has to do to secure its nation.

GIBSON: So if it felt necessary, if it felt the need to defend itself by taking out Iranian nuclear facilities, that would be all right?

PALIN: We cannot second guess the steps that Israel has to take to defend itself."

wow. Gibson tries to get her to actually answer the question in her own words, but she does nothing but read off her mental cue cards. and to think she's just another face cancer case away from being the person in charge. *shudder*

also: the women of the band heart are super-pissed at palin's use of "barracuda" as her theme song. "Sarah Palin's views and values in NO WAY represent us as American women ... The song 'Barracuda' was written in the late '70s as a scathing rant against the soulless, corporate nature of the music business, particularly for women. (The 'barracuda' represented the business.)"

irony plz?